Last Friday I was requested by my father-in law to come to Rajkot (Saurashtra, Gujarat, India) as a prospective groom, Bhavin Kotak, was coming to "see" my sister-in-law, Kavita, for matrimonial purposes (We live in Jamnagar, Gujarat, two hours from Rajkot) The preliminaries were worked out some days ago, which included a visit by the girl's father to the boy's residence/office and the harmonising of the "Kundali" or "janam patrika" (horoscopes) Bhavin (26) is a Bsc in Physics and has his own business of manufacturing control panels in Gandhinagar near Ahmedabad, while Kavita (22) is a commerce graduate.

The groom arrived at 4.00 p.m. along with his parents and sister and some relatives, for the "dekha-dekhi" session.

After some small talk, the groom had a "meeting" with Kavita for some 45 minutes, under the vigilant (but anxious) eyes of both the family members, in another room and both families trying to look suitably (but unsuccessfully) blasé.

Bhavin asked for a second meeting next day which was courteously refused. (A few free-thinking parents in Saurashtra may allow a second meeting, but these species is rare.)

They left at around six p.m. and promised to revert with a reply within an hour or so. The answer, which was positive, came promptly at seven p.m. and the reply was reciprocated in kind by my in laws the same night.

A hurriedly arranged "meethi jeeb" or the pre-engagement ceremony took place the next day, a Sunday, and the "shaadi" (wedding) date has fixed on the 10th of May 2003 (needless to say, after consulting the friendly neighbourhood astrologer)

It would have been earlier in the year but there are no "shubh muhrats" (auspicious time) before that date, since no right thinking parents in Gujarat would allow an engagement to carry on for more then 2 to 3 months.

Welcome to the perplexing, confounding, baffling (but flourishing world) of arranged marriages, Kathiwadi ( Saurashtra) style, where more often then not, marriages between individuals take place after a meeting between the couple for 20/30 minutes, even to this day.

We are not talking of some uneducated bimbos in villages who are seeking parents to look out for prospective life partners since arranged marriages are (again) a rage even amongst educated professionals and well to do families in India.

The trend of arranged marriages which one would have thought is fading into sepia tones is now staging a comeback with a vengeance, and how....

A new development in India is emerging when couples deliberately marry early in late teens/early twenties (the early education system in India ensures that one has a qualification at 19/20) and start a family before they are 22/23, and devote full time in raising a family. The women again re-launch their careers after thirty four/thirty five.

My cousin "M" in Mumbai (she married at 22 and is now a mother and a full time lawyer) reasons that in early twenties a girl is better equipped emotionally and physically to deal with babies (and husbands, and in all probability, the "sasu" or the mother-in-law!) Another friend "R" (who chooses to remain anonymous for evident reasons) in Ahmedabad (who was in love but opted voluntarily for an arranged marriage) feels that in India, after the initial passion/chemistry (lust?) in a love marriage has been vaporised by the essentials of mundane day to day chores, one needs the council of family to keep the ship going.

When in love the heart is likely to rule, and the heart can often go wrong - that's why we say love is blind!

Today young, hard working successful Indians may go pub hopping, sport designer brands, cyber chat and chill out at hot spots, but when it comes to marriage, they turn to their parents to help them find a perfect match, and rely on their judgement when taking a key plunge like marriage. Youngsters have begun to accept the fact that in a country like India, where dating is frowned upon, one cannot always fall in love. Everyone cannot find the perfect match and while it's great if one does fall in love, there is no harm in turning to the old age tested option of an arranged marriage.

And the relaxation of previous guidelines, like allowing children more time to know each other, marrying out of caste while taking social status and education, into account, do help. (My elder brother Prakash has had an arranged marriage with a Jain; my sister Nita has had one with a Patel, all with the reciprocated consent of family: we are Lohanas)

Why do such marriages last? People theorise that in an arranged marriage, both the families back the couple to the hilt, are involved in the entire processes and in the relationship as well.
And if all goes well, the marriage will take place with the full consent of both the family, a vital consideration for the average Indian male/female. There is an underlying comfort that having come from like minded families, the couple will probably cherish the same values, especially in terms of fidelity and adherence to similar beliefs. The families have already checked out the background which would ensure, at the very least, the same socio economic milieu, financial stability, the same educational environment and the same religious conviction which is comforting and a strong base for a relationship.

Indian culture frowns on separation and looks on marriage as a permanent relationship, with no room for trial and error. More often then not, in India, there is no basis in an arranged marriage with a short engagement period to compare the before/after marriage status (which may prompt the couple to compare before/after notes during a squabble!) since there is only an after status. ( a big help since, someone told me, the difference in the pre and post marriage phase is like a photo of a flower in a seed packet, what is shown and what actually comes up!) And since the "getting to know each other" phase (the lusty phase!) in an arranged marriage comes after the marriage, that chapter helps the couple to tide over the initial teething phase of a marriage, which is half the battle won.

Social pressures in India to make the relationship work are tremendous and I personally feel with the "aashirwads" (blessings) of so many people from both the families, the "shaadi" can't help but work!